MAINTAINING YOUR MARRIAGE AND MS
I was told by my neurologist at the very beginning of my diagnosis in October 2012 not to expect your loved ones to know what you need. Many times dealing with MS can make you feel as if you’ve lost all control and now you are limited, depending on your spouse and loved ones to help assist you. That alone was scary for me and I had a hard time adjusting. If you’ve been an active partner in your marriage before MS you know how it feels to now have to be tended to.
Here are 3 things that have helped me tremendously in navigating my Marriage with MS.
1. Be honest and transparent with your spouse.
In the very early years of having MS, I was so worried about being seen differently by my husband, Darryl. Would he still be attracted to me? Would his feelings change now that I have MS? I remember vividly telling my husband, “Please treat me like your wife and not a sick patient” as he looked in disbelief at my request. Many times in my marriage I was not honest about my bad days and being in pain. I would feel guilty for dealing with debilitating fatigue and numbness at times. I developed a visage that I was still capable of functioning “normal.” I was in excruciating pain trying to hide being ill by pretending to be well.How many times have we all done that? If we received a dollar every time we did that we would all be millionaires! I realized that I had not come to terms with having a disease that has caused my whole body to change. My decision to finally be honest with my husband lifted a weight off of my chest. To my surprise, it eventually opened a door of complete transparency between both of us and improved our communication in our marriage. My husband was free to share his feelings and his fears in a safe atmosphere. I removed the pressure of thinking I’m weak if I have a bad day to learning it is okay if I have a bad day and to verbalize it. My transparency with my husband allowed him to be more open and honest about his own feelings about my diagnosis. He began to be a support to other husbands who had wives battling illnesses. We gave each other permission to feel! If we were scared we allowed ourselves to be scared, and if we were just sad we comforted one another. Whatever we felt, we validated it and it gave clarity to my husband on ways to better support me.
2. Become a team.
My husband was not the kind of spouse that only was told what’s going on, what treatment I’m on, what isn’t working, etc. He familiarized himself with every doctor, nurse and technician. He made sure everyone that I was ever in the care of knew him. Because of that, I knew right away that he would be involved in every step and every decision during my MS journey. My husband came to every visit and asked for all access to my healthcare and medical information so I was not carrying the burden of MS alone, but “WE” were carrying it. We both educated ourselves on Multiple Sclerosis by asking questions, doing our own research, and even attending seminars to better understand what was needed from each other. We previously had adapted to a team mindset in our marriage but now we were both putting more effort in being a team concerning both of our health. We stay accountable to each other,checking-in with each other about our health. We both now exercise and work out together as each other’s gym buddies. His support has been one of the biggest lifelines to me.To stay team oriented is attending infusion appointments, doctor visits, syncing your calendars so that both of you are on the same page with important dates to remember, or even attend a workshop together. All of this strengthens the bond of togetherness. Because MS is already an isolating, and misunderstood disease, your togetherness removes the feeling of being isolated to endure this disease by yourself.
3. Don’t allow MS to deteriorate your marriage.
It is important to not allow this disease to deteriorate your zeal for life and marriage. You are still capable of enjoying life despite having MS. Things might look different now,some changes or some modifications might need to be made but that does not mean life can’t be enjoyed. I remember when our vacations all had to be modified. Even the destinations had to now be considered for me to ensure I had the proper accommodations. I know how it feels when plans have to be modified and revised after MS, but I was more determined that MS would not define who I was and would definitely not destroy my marriage. My vision became very clear, and that was, I would not sit back and allow MS to take over my life. I committed to giving our marriage the very best of me and together we would work to continue to have a successful marriage. And thank God I didn’t give up in the beginning, because now I am reaping the benefits of all my hard work. I’m thankful I didn’t allow my negative thoughts to destroy my marriage. Our marriage is our top priority just as our health is. Having a loving and supportive marriage enhances how you fight MS.
Marriage requires work but it is the most rewarding work you will ever do. Marriage makes you better. Real marriage is not only about being happy and fulfilled for the rest of our lives. It is about two people who chose each other, and the two become the best they can be for each other. If you base your marriage on happiness alone you will be disappointed, because happiness is not permanent and based on what’s happening around you. Happiness can fizzle out quickly. Marriage is a lifelong commitment (even in health challenges) to grow together, mature, practice selflessness, forgiveness, and grace as you learn to love each other unconditionally for the rest of your lives. Marriage can be the deepest and most fulfilling relationship we can ever experience on this earth. Nothing in the world compares to the joy and blessings of having a good marriage.